…emotions running wild. words alone can never describe the emotional roller coaster felt just now. the noisy music accompanying the lion dance truly disturbed me. instead of feeling excited, i feel the whole room was empty, and all i can see are memories..come flying in…yeah..memories of him…the one and only that i had.
…he loves lion dances..he used to dance it, with a towel. thanks to me, his forever beloved (and also the most annoying kid in his life i guess!) sista, who’s always there, bending at the back to become the lion’s body…yeah…it hurts actually, and i’d keep on quarreling with him, saying that i wanna be the one heading! and yes..he would blindly let me be the one heading, and thanks to my superb skill, i’d be turning back and say “abang dok la depan! x reti laa nak dum dum ceng…dum dum ceng”….
he was 4 when i came in…we were like ‘separated’ when we were small, coz he stayed with grandma..and me on the other hand, sent to a babysitter…we were ‘re-united’ once i go to school…and since then, he was a friend that i have. we use to have our own ‘gang’ back at the old flat that mak and bapa rented- after all, who would want to play with his own lil’ sista..? x cool la! but one thing for sure..the moment we came back from school, we’re all on our own, he’d wait for me to get ready, and then off the the arwah kak chom’s house for lunch, and then stratight to surau for mengaji..and then our normal routine, main sampai letih! at night after dinner…we’d be playing cikgu2, and then off to sleep…and yeah..every night, he’d be asking me to tell him stories, coz he knows that i love reading fairy tale stories…and whenever i say “abang laa pulak ceta…x larat laa nak cakap…” he’d be pulling out one of his ghost story, complete with his very own sound effects, and before he can continue, i’d be shouting “cukuppppp….!! farah ceta la…”…haha..
we became close once mak ngan bapa moved to our new house in Bukit Jambul…it was a totally new area, trust me, even Kompleks Bukit Jambul and the Sunshine Square in Bayan Baru were not even there yet! both alone at a totally new place, we became very close to each other, as we only have each other as friends. we used to play together, of coz, lion dancing together, even bathing together! whoa..what a wonderful 6 months, being with a best buddy…and then suddenly, he fell sick, went into coma for 14 days..and gone. he was 12. and i can never forget, for the 1st time in my life, i saw bapa broke down into tears, while looking at me kissing abang’s forehead, for the very last time.
i did not feel the emptiness that fast, as we spent the whole 40 days after his funeral back at grandma’s place…there’s tones of friends there, and i was happy all the time….coming back from school with lots of activities awaiting for me….the misery started once we came back to Bukit Jambul, and all of sudden, i realized that i was sitting alone in ‘our’ room, looking at his mattress (yeah..he’d always ask me to sleep on the bed, and he’ll take the mattress)..all of sudden i realized that oh my god, my abang is dead! how am i gonna cope with this..? i’m so used to be together with him..and i now i have to sleep all by myself..? 😦
…yeah…i was admitted to the hospital shortly, for 2 times, yeah, down with high fever…docs said i was shocked……i was only 9 then, and i guess this lost is too much and too big for me to handle..i used to accidentally call him for lunch/dinner “abang..mak soh makan…….” just to realized that he’s gone and told myself “eh..abang dah mati la.”
…i remember what the old people said to my mom, on his funeral, he’s actually waiting for you at the heaven’s doorstep…so do not be sad, as he is happily waiting for you there….and i wonder, if he’s waiting for me as well…he’s lost gave a great impact on my life, he taught me to cherish every moment, seconds and minutes of what you have with your loved ones in your life…
…and today, watching the lion dance at my workplace, reminds me of my one and only sibling, Mohd Shukri Bin Sahul Hamid (9 October 1976 – 21 January 1989). only Allah knows how i feel, and abang, may you rest in peace. al-Fatihah.